xmutanthigh | [closed thread] trouble in paradise

Entry tags:

[closed thread] trouble in paradise

Characters: Julian Keller, Rogue.
Setting: Outside Rogue's room.
Content: I wish I could accurately predict this scene's content.
Status: Incomplete.

[Julian didn't think he would be able to sleep at all the night before; yet he laid his head down and eventually drifted off for several hours. The sleep wasn't one that he would call a good rest: instead he opened his eyes against the harsh afternoon sun and felt like he hadn't rested at all.

After the briefing and talking to Emma about Rogue the other day, he had been sent to the med bay to tend to his wounds. The only mildly serious one had been from Longshot's blade, right across his chest - which had needed a few stitches. Absent Josh, Julian has sat through the ordeal of cleaning and dressing the wound; then promptly fell into bed after stopping by Rogue's room and finding her asleep.

Now, freshly showered, still sore, and noticeably exhausted, Julian stops in front of Rogue's door and knocks.]

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[Rogue's not sure what answer she expected him to give but that was certainly not it. For the first time in awhile, she finds herself completely speechless. She must have heard wrong or maybe she hasn't actually woken up yet. Her voice is soft as she speaks, soft and shocked.] You're what?

I'm in love with you. [The words are simple and without hesitation - less full of awe this time and now full of resolution. This time when he walks forward, he doesn't do so hesitantly, doesn't stop himself from curling his fingers into her messy hair or resting a hand on her waist. He only pauses to search her eyes.] And I'm sorry if I hurt you.

It's okay, you didn't. [Rogue's barely even registering the words she's saying. There's still a bit of a daze going on. She lets him pull her closer, even leaning into his touches.] Julian, I... [She stops, not entirely sure what to say. Her eyes cautiously meet his as she starts to bite her lower lip again.]

[Her assurance soothes him; both the haze in her eyes and teeth at her lip distract him as they always do. He feels a wave of warmth, a groan in his chest as his eyes fall to her mouth and he leans in only to stop himself short, and waits for the end of that thought, of any thought from her at all. And all the while, a small piece of him hopes.]

[Rogue drops her gaze, still biting her lip nervously. She knows what he hopes- what he wants to hear but the words are stuck in her throat. This is all happening so fast. The last few minutes have just turned into a giant whirlwind. One hand moves to rest lightly upon his chest, the other moving towards hand twinned into her hair, fingers trailing along his arm.

When words finally become unstuck in her throat, they're not the one he's hoped for and her voice is low, not looking him in the eye.] Julian, I can't. I can't say it back yet.

[His already downcast eyes close; if he had been aching telling her he loved her before... now that ache pains him in a different way. He closes his eyes to hide it, to weather through it, but despite it, he's not discouraged. Her "yet" does that much, her assuring and intimate touches - and the truth is he doesn't need for her to say the words back to him to justify his own confession. He meant them - and nothing she says or doesn't will change that.]

It's okay. [He all but whispers the response, then opens his eyes.] I wouldn't ask you to.

Thank you. [She moves closer towards him, her head fitting neatly beneath his chin and she lets out the breath she didn't even realise she was holding.]

[He lets her nestle against him, his arms adjusting about her, one of his hands still buried deep in her hair. He rests his lips on the crown of her head wordlessly. He stares, unseeingly, into space. He wonders why; he can't help it. Why she can't say something when she feels it, why she can't say so much when he can see all of it in her eyes. (But he knows why.) He knows the frustration is borne of the desire to be let in, of the desire to prove she can let people in; he chooses to let it go, knowing it's not the answer. Instead he closes his eyes and tilts his head to bury his nose into her hair as well, pull her tighter to him.]

Edited 2011-03-01 01:52 (UTC)

[They stay there for a little, she's not even sure how long it is until she pulls away a little bit, expression turning serious as she looks meets his eyes.] We need to talk, sugah.

[Julian pulls back too, carefully untangles his fingers from her hair only to push it back tenderly, his expression just as serious. He's pretty sure he knows what this is about - trying to lie to her, trying to leave without telling her anything. Just part of what had complicated and brought unease to things between them before he left.

He nods.]

[Gently, she disentangles herself from his arms, moving to sit on her bed and drawing him with her. She doesn't know where to start with any of this especially in light of what he's just told her.] So... about what happened the other day...

Edited 2011-03-01 02:41 (UTC)

[He sits beside her, angled slightly, his expression schooled, his eyes brushing over hers. The truth is he's been expecting this; he felt ashamed and guilty then and he still feels it now. She's not fragile and he knows this; hell, part of why he fell in love with her was because she's strong, and she only proved it a thousands times over while he was gone by fighting Polaris and winning.

He licks his lips, doesn't exactly know what to say about it.]

Look, I'm. I'm sorry.

[She reaches over to take one of his hands in hers, expression serious as she takes a deep breath to steady herself.] I... I don't know what Frost told you exactly but I need you to understand that you can't always be there to protect me. And I need you to understand that I don't need to be protected.

[His looks at her at that, his gaze soft and slightly troubled. He's not sure he knows how to not protect people, but he also knows very well the truth to her words. He knows why she needs to say them to him. He looks away, to the ground, studying it at he tries to find the words to respond.]

Rogue, I... [He lets out a heavy sigh, lifts a hand to run down his face.] I don't know how to do anything else. [He looks at her then, tiredly, as he confesses this. The truth is he never has and everything that's come after has only reinforced this drive. Brian. Sofia. James. Even Ali, always so reckless. And it's exhausting.] I know you don't need it, sweetheart, but I... [He shakes his head, trails off, his eyes imploring with her to understand, even wordlessly asking for help.] I need to.

[She shakes her head carefully. She can see the plea in his eyes as she holds his gaze and starts to feel almost guilty that she can't just give him this.] Sugah... [There's a deep breath as she looks away slowly before letting it out slowly, meeting his eyes again.] I need to know what Emma told you. About what happened, I mean.

[The question seems neither here nor there to him; he straightens a little at it. It requires a little thought after breaking from that moment, especially when it requires remembering yesterday.]

I don't- Just that you fought Polaris. You had to drain her of her powers. [He trails off. Remembers Bobby's slip about the psyches she carries around with her, remembers that day in the library, all those nights he held her...] It took a lot out of you.

Okay. [She bites her lip nervously for a moment.] I need to tell you something and I need you to not say anything until I finish because I'm not sure that I can do this otherwise, okay?

[She waits for him to nod before continuing. Rogue's voice is hesitant at first, pausing every so often but soon gains a note of surety. Her gaze rests upon their entwined hands.] I was a mess when my powers came back. I just didn't realise how much of a mess until a few weeks later when the psyches came back too. Every time I touch someone, I get a version of them in my head. [She pauses to grin wryly.] It gets a little cluttered sometimes and without the Professor here to help me keep them in check, it didn't go too well. Some of the stronger psyches started to take control for short periods of time and other times, they just made me think I was seein' things. I started thinking I was going crazy. Sometimes it was Bobby, sometimes it was Logan, and sometimes... sometimes it was Magneto. That's... [Her voice catches.] That's what was happening when you found me in the library that day. And those all those other times. I was fightin' them.

Logan forced me to talk to Emma and she helped sort them out in my head. He's been helping me work with the psyches so that I control them instead of the other way 'round. Been workin' on recalling their powers too. It's just hard a lot of the time to keep the psyche and the powers separate.

[There's a short pause as she takes a breath and then meets his eyes again.] That's how I was fightin' Polaris. I was using Magneto's powers against her and it started to... to get to me after awhile. And then I drained her powers and kinda just... overloaded. Forge had to get me grounded again so that she wouldn't take over again.

[Rogue takes a deep breath, looking like she's about to keep talking before letting it out in a big whoosh, obviously finished.] And now you know it all.

[The disturbing part of all this is that he knew so much of it. Bits and pieces he'd put together over the past several months. The rumors of her psyches, her constant Danger Room sessions, it all being so much for her - and knowing - knowing that Emma and Logan must know too.

He simply gazes at her through it all, slightly concerned, slightly horrified by all of it, and a little impressed, a bit proud of her for pulling through time and time again. For taking on Magneto's psyche like that, the only person he knows terrifies her. Because for all his suspicions over what was going on with her, the truth is worse. Psyches taking over, seeing things...

Julian squeezes her hand now and then as she speaks - sometimes purposely, sometimes not. When she finishes, he's quiet for a few moments, looking down at their clasped hands as well, at his thumbs stroking hers. When he speaks, his voice is low, slightly gruff, and curious.]

Why are you telling me all this now?

[She doesn't say anything for a moment, trying to truly absorb that she'd just told him everything.] Because I trust you and I care about you. [Her eyes are willing him to read into that last sentence. Willing him to see that this is her way of reciprocating his words from before.] And because I needed you to understand what I've dealt-- have been dealing with and why you can't always try to protect me.

[He looks up at her words, catches her eyes just in time to see the willfulness in them as she tells him that she cares. His gaze softens and his brow furrows slightly; he looks almost pained from her confession, in so many different ways. Because he understands - he has her trust and that's something that has always humbled him; she cares about him and he knows she does. It makes him ache for reasons he didn't recognize until he knew he was falling in love with her. And he understands there are things he can't protect her from, and what she's just told him - that is undeniably one of them.

But he looks away despite knowing all this, works his jaw past the rising feelings swirling in him. He knows it's the truth, but he can't- There's just nothing worse to Julian than feeling helpless. Than facing something unchangeably out of his hands. Something he can't fix.

But he nods anyway, and painfully, because it's something he can't argue.]

I know. [He smiles, just barely.] You're a lot better at it than me.

[She shifts on the bed, angling her body more towards him, expression still serious. It's hard to tell what he's thinking right except for that hint of painful helplessness. It's enough to make her want to wince and to look down for a moment. Trusting someone like this is hard for her. She's not used to this need to be protective that Julian apparently has. If he doesn't know how to not be protective, than she doesn't know how to just accept it. It's a strange situation to say the least.

There's a hesitant and just short of strained smile on her face as she meets his eyes again.] Are we okay?

Yeah. [His answer is immediate, nearly a murmured exhale, and full of conviction despite the lingering pain in his gaze. He turns further towards her as well, his remaining hand reaching to rest over her thigh, and simply looks into her eyes. That hint of a smile on her lips sobers him - he hardens, just slightly at that sign that everything is going to be okay. Because it reminds him it's not, not yet.] There's something you should know.

[The hint of a smile vanishes for a far more serious expression filled with concern. The fingers of her free hand move to rest lightly upon his arm. She feels as if they had never gone past his declaration of love and are at the conversation's start once more going by his face and demeanor. And then she repeats the same question she'd asked before, unable to hide the worry from her voice.] Julian, what's wrong?

[Her touch, her voice, those words - they all stir him, bring back the stoic numbness, the restlessness and hardness from before he came here, from before seeing her and feeling for her granted him a reprieve. He wasn't thinking about what he'd done when he said there was something she should know, but now he is, violently.

His lashes flutter; staggered and caught unawares, he tears his gaze from hers, as if she might see what he sees playing behind his eyes: blood and snow and that laugh, the choking. Julian's jaw tightens; he breathes and speaks much too calmly, his eyes finding hers.]

Magneto wasn't with the Brotherhood. It was Mystique. Polaris was her cover.

[Every molecule in her body freezes at the words. And then slowly, the startled look is replaced by one of confusion with a hint of fear. Her grip on his hand tightens as she struggles to keep her voice steady.] I don't understand. If it was Mystique and not him, then where...?

[She should've guessed. She should've known. She should've thought to check Polaris's memories just to be sure.]

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