xmutanthigh | [closed thread] trouble in paradise

Entry tags:

[closed thread] trouble in paradise

Characters: Julian Keller, Rogue.
Setting: Outside Rogue's room.
Content: I wish I could accurately predict this scene's content.
Status: Incomplete.

[Julian didn't think he would be able to sleep at all the night before; yet he laid his head down and eventually drifted off for several hours. The sleep wasn't one that he would call a good rest: instead he opened his eyes against the harsh afternoon sun and felt like he hadn't rested at all.

After the briefing and talking to Emma about Rogue the other day, he had been sent to the med bay to tend to his wounds. The only mildly serious one had been from Longshot's blade, right across his chest - which had needed a few stitches. Absent Josh, Julian has sat through the ordeal of cleaning and dressing the wound; then promptly fell into bed after stopping by Rogue's room and finding her asleep.

Now, freshly showered, still sore, and noticeably exhausted, Julian stops in front of Rogue's door and knocks.]

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[Rogue answers the door, still exhausted and dressed in sweatpants, a t-shirt, and bare arms. Her eyes become a fair bit more alert when she sees who her visitor is.] Julian! I... uhm... [She bites her lip nervously for a moment before pushing her door further open, hands linking behind her.] Come in. [She turns away to search for a pair of gloves, pulling on a pair of long black ones once she finds them.]

[He walks in, uncharacteristically quiet and overall unresponsive to her surprise: maybe it's how tired he feels, maybe it's just the relief of seeing her, or the nature of their last conversation. Maybe it's just what he had to do on the mission.

Whatever the reason, he merely quietly shuts the door behind him, turns to look at her and begin in a calm voice.]

Emma told me what happened. You okay?

Edited 2011-02-28 23:15 (UTC)

I'll be okay.

[She tries to keep her face neutral. It's half a life. Physically, she'll be fine. Mentally, she's got another psyche to deal with along with a few other things. She turns to flick on another light before actually really taking in his demeanor. And then it's her turn to ask, the words stumbling over themselves to come out,] What about you? No one's told us anything about what happened. I was-- Are you okay?

[Those words make him tense - is he really so out of his mind and body to not have expected them? But they pull him back in; he registers the tenor of her voice and the way she stops herself - where she does. Emotion flutters across his features, begins to suddenly churn in his gut.

He's here, with Rogue, after everything. In her room, and she's asking him a question he hasn't even thought to ask himself.

A shaky breath leaves him, and he takes a small step towards her, but stops himself for a reason he doesn't understand.]

I'm fine. Everyone's back in one piece.

That's good to hear. [Everything just feels off and Rogue's fairly sure that it's not because of their last conversation. She frowns in concern, taking a step towards him and almost reaching out for his hands before thinking better of it.] Julian, what's wrong?

[He holds her gaze, watches as she takes a step forward but stops herself, just as he did. He simply shakes his head at her question, just slightly.

It's difficult, with this sudden wave of reality, of emotion, to know how to answer her any further. He thinks about saying it: that he's killed someone, that there was nothing noble or heroic about, that he feels like nothing makes sense to him anymore - but something does. Something has stayed the same, and he clings to it now as he stares at her, his breath a bit short and his chest aching, his voice full of slight awe.]

I'm in love with you.

[Rogue's not sure what answer she expected him to give but that was certainly not it. For the first time in awhile, she finds herself completely speechless. She must have heard wrong or maybe she hasn't actually woken up yet. Her voice is soft as she speaks, soft and shocked.] You're what?

I'm in love with you. [The words are simple and without hesitation - less full of awe this time and now full of resolution. This time when he walks forward, he doesn't do so hesitantly, doesn't stop himself from curling his fingers into her messy hair or resting a hand on her waist. He only pauses to search her eyes.] And I'm sorry if I hurt you.

It's okay, you didn't. [Rogue's barely even registering the words she's saying. There's still a bit of a daze going on. She lets him pull her closer, even leaning into his touches.] Julian, I... [She stops, not entirely sure what to say. Her eyes cautiously meet his as she starts to bite her lower lip again.]

[Her assurance soothes him; both the haze in her eyes and teeth at her lip distract him as they always do. He feels a wave of warmth, a groan in his chest as his eyes fall to her mouth and he leans in only to stop himself short, and waits for the end of that thought, of any thought from her at all. And all the while, a small piece of him hopes.]

[Rogue drops her gaze, still biting her lip nervously. She knows what he hopes- what he wants to hear but the words are stuck in her throat. This is all happening so fast. The last few minutes have just turned into a giant whirlwind. One hand moves to rest lightly upon his chest, the other moving towards hand twinned into her hair, fingers trailing along his arm.

When words finally become unstuck in her throat, they're not the one he's hoped for and her voice is low, not looking him in the eye.] Julian, I can't. I can't say it back yet.

[His already downcast eyes close; if he had been aching telling her he loved her before... now that ache pains him in a different way. He closes his eyes to hide it, to weather through it, but despite it, he's not discouraged. Her "yet" does that much, her assuring and intimate touches - and the truth is he doesn't need for her to say the words back to him to justify his own confession. He meant them - and nothing she says or doesn't will change that.]

It's okay. [He all but whispers the response, then opens his eyes.] I wouldn't ask you to.

Thank you. [She moves closer towards him, her head fitting neatly beneath his chin and she lets out the breath she didn't even realise she was holding.]

[He lets her nestle against him, his arms adjusting about her, one of his hands still buried deep in her hair. He rests his lips on the crown of her head wordlessly. He stares, unseeingly, into space. He wonders why; he can't help it. Why she can't say something when she feels it, why she can't say so much when he can see all of it in her eyes. (But he knows why.) He knows the frustration is borne of the desire to be let in, of the desire to prove she can let people in; he chooses to let it go, knowing it's not the answer. Instead he closes his eyes and tilts his head to bury his nose into her hair as well, pull her tighter to him.]

Edited 2011-03-01 01:52 (UTC)

[They stay there for a little, she's not even sure how long it is until she pulls away a little bit, expression turning serious as she looks meets his eyes.] We need to talk, sugah.

[Julian pulls back too, carefully untangles his fingers from her hair only to push it back tenderly, his expression just as serious. He's pretty sure he knows what this is about - trying to lie to her, trying to leave without telling her anything. Just part of what had complicated and brought unease to things between them before he left.

He nods.]

[Gently, she disentangles herself from his arms, moving to sit on her bed and drawing him with her. She doesn't know where to start with any of this especially in light of what he's just told her.] So... about what happened the other day...

Edited 2011-03-01 02:41 (UTC)

[He sits beside her, angled slightly, his expression schooled, his eyes brushing over hers. The truth is he's been expecting this; he felt ashamed and guilty then and he still feels it now. She's not fragile and he knows this; hell, part of why he fell in love with her was because she's strong, and she only proved it a thousands times over while he was gone by fighting Polaris and winning.

He licks his lips, doesn't exactly know what to say about it.]

Look, I'm. I'm sorry.

[She reaches over to take one of his hands in hers, expression serious as she takes a deep breath to steady herself.] I... I don't know what Frost told you exactly but I need you to understand that you can't always be there to protect me. And I need you to understand that I don't need to be protected.

[His looks at her at that, his gaze soft and slightly troubled. He's not sure he knows how to not protect people, but he also knows very well the truth to her words. He knows why she needs to say them to him. He looks away, to the ground, studying it at he tries to find the words to respond.]

Rogue, I... [He lets out a heavy sigh, lifts a hand to run down his face.] I don't know how to do anything else. [He looks at her then, tiredly, as he confesses this. The truth is he never has and everything that's come after has only reinforced this drive. Brian. Sofia. James. Even Ali, always so reckless. And it's exhausting.] I know you don't need it, sweetheart, but I... [He shakes his head, trails off, his eyes imploring with her to understand, even wordlessly asking for help.] I need to.

[She shakes her head carefully. She can see the plea in his eyes as she holds his gaze and starts to feel almost guilty that she can't just give him this.] Sugah... [There's a deep breath as she looks away slowly before letting it out slowly, meeting his eyes again.] I need to know what Emma told you. About what happened, I mean.

[The question seems neither here nor there to him; he straightens a little at it. It requires a little thought after breaking from that moment, especially when it requires remembering yesterday.]

I don't- Just that you fought Polaris. You had to drain her of her powers. [He trails off. Remembers Bobby's slip about the psyches she carries around with her, remembers that day in the library, all those nights he held her...] It took a lot out of you.

Okay. [She bites her lip nervously for a moment.] I need to tell you something and I need you to not say anything until I finish because I'm not sure that I can do this otherwise, okay?

[She waits for him to nod before continuing. Rogue's voice is hesitant at first, pausing every so often but soon gains a note of surety. Her gaze rests upon their entwined hands.] I was a mess when my powers came back. I just didn't realise how much of a mess until a few weeks later when the psyches came back too. Every time I touch someone, I get a version of them in my head. [She pauses to grin wryly.] It gets a little cluttered sometimes and without the Professor here to help me keep them in check, it didn't go too well. Some of the stronger psyches started to take control for short periods of time and other times, they just made me think I was seein' things. I started thinking I was going crazy. Sometimes it was Bobby, sometimes it was Logan, and sometimes... sometimes it was Magneto. That's... [Her voice catches.] That's what was happening when you found me in the library that day. And those all those other times. I was fightin' them.

Logan forced me to talk to Emma and she helped sort them out in my head. He's been helping me work with the psyches so that I control them instead of the other way 'round. Been workin' on recalling their powers too. It's just hard a lot of the time to keep the psyche and the powers separate.

[There's a short pause as she takes a breath and then meets his eyes again.] That's how I was fightin' Polaris. I was using Magneto's powers against her and it started to... to get to me after awhile. And then I drained her powers and kinda just... overloaded. Forge had to get me grounded again so that she wouldn't take over again.

[Rogue takes a deep breath, looking like she's about to keep talking before letting it out in a big whoosh, obviously finished.] And now you know it all.

[The disturbing part of all this is that he knew so much of it. Bits and pieces he'd put together over the past several months. The rumors of her psyches, her constant Danger Room sessions, it all being so much for her - and knowing - knowing that Emma and Logan must know too.

He simply gazes at her through it all, slightly concerned, slightly horrified by all of it, and a little impressed, a bit proud of her for pulling through time and time again. For taking on Magneto's psyche like that, the only person he knows terrifies her. Because for all his suspicions over what was going on with her, the truth is worse. Psyches taking over, seeing things...

Julian squeezes her hand now and then as she speaks - sometimes purposely, sometimes not. When she finishes, he's quiet for a few moments, looking down at their clasped hands as well, at his thumbs stroking hers. When he speaks, his voice is low, slightly gruff, and curious.]

Why are you telling me all this now?

[She doesn't say anything for a moment, trying to truly absorb that she'd just told him everything.] Because I trust you and I care about you. [Her eyes are willing him to read into that last sentence. Willing him to see that this is her way of reciprocating his words from before.] And because I needed you to understand what I've dealt-- have been dealing with and why you can't always try to protect me.

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