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xmutanthigh2008-03-12 01:04 pm
xmagma.livejournal.com) wrote in xmutanthigh2008-03-12 01:04 pm
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[SCENE] Julian & Amara: tonight-like
(I hope it's okay that I'm posting this, Crys. I wanted to post it super-quick before I head off to work this afternoon. :))
The stars shone above them, their breaths visibly dispensing upward, as they lay on one of the grounds’ benches together in the cold and dark. Julian tried to find any sign of the constellation that he had been looking for, the only constellation he remembered, but was failing. Amara thought that the sky was too vast, too immense, and she blinked, another breath left her, feeling a little uneasy.
“Jules,” she tempered. “Can I ask you something?”
His eyes left the sky for a moment, while hers didn’t, to look to her, his arms around her pulling her a bit closer, her warmth melting into his. “Anything.”
“You don’t have to answer or talk about this if you don’t want to. I’ll understand that,” she said reassuringly, and he half-nodded, waiting for her to ask.
“I just… Well after the other day I was wondering if you – if you wanted to…” She trailed off, sighing impatiently, finally blurting it all out. “I just wanted to ask you if you wanted to talk about Rogue. I mean, you – you don’t have to, but you never… I know it hurts, but you have to talk about at least some of it, get something out. And I’m here, you know. I’m not trying to prod, but I – I’ve been worrying ever since the other day.”
His face was nearing a morbid blankness at her words, thinking, wondering eyes blinking once. "I know you're here," he told her. "What are you worrying about?"
"That's not important," she whispered. "Do you want to talk about it? I mean, you... you were right before. I only lost my friend, and I'm as upset as I am. But you -- you..." She forced her lips to not take on a frown, swallowing it back. "You can talk about it."
The freezing air burned his lungs, his eyes turning upwards. He thought fleetingly that perhaps the constellation he was searching for was obscured by the Northern horizon, yet the weak effort couldn't slow the darker thoughts that began to creep into his consciousness. Amara shifted as he watched the stars, his eyes trying to distinguish their slow minute movements across the sphere of the sky. Blue orbs glittered in his peripheral, and he knew she was watching him with the same intense scrutiny.
She exhaled heavily, shakily, the warm breath heating his neck. "Do you miss her?"
Julian closed his eyes. Her voice was so small and hesitant, and he could hardly stand the lilting sad notes that formed her words.
"You don't have to do this, Amara," he said quietly, letting his eyelids slide open.
"I know," she responded with an eager tone, words coming out in a rush. "I know I don't have to... that's why I am. And because I... I'm worried." His only answer was his blinking orbs, his troubled gaze still searching the stars with the utmost attention. Something swelled inside of her, some desperation that seemed to reach out for him. She didn't want that wall she felt time and time again; she wanted to extend herself and find him next to her, within her. She needed to. "Look at me."
He did, eyes narrowing to accommodate the small space between them, her silent talk to me resonating between them.
For a moment all she could feel was her heartbeat, the cold, the scratchy fabric of his jacket beneath her fingers.
"I miss her," he finally said. Amara nodded, fingers finding his hair and brushing through the locks soothingly. "I know how I used to feel about her... is different than how you feel about Bobby. When I say that I miss her, I don't want you thinking that it has anything to do with how I feel about you."
Her digits continued to work through his hair comfortingly, but her mind hesitated and blue eyes left his to look up at the sky again, noting the very sparce clouds that were trying to squabble with the Moon's glow. "It's okay to miss her," she muttered, eventually blinking to meet his distant gaze.
"She meant a lot to me," he said evenly, carefully, yet the soft words carried as much weight as ones filled with emotion.
"I know." She looked away again, but this time at his shoulder, unwilling to identify the aching pang beneath her ribs.
She shut her eyes tight when he pulled her closer, bodies pressing and tangling in an embrace. Even though her breath hitched and shallowed against the pressure, it didn't feel close enough. They stilled there, clutching, breathing, their minds both spinning in turmoil and memories and thoughts, heedless of their surroundings, of time, and only concerned with one another.
She willed herself to hear his thoughts as she pressed her forehead to his shoulder firmly; his mind was obviously turning, collecting. Her throat tried to choke back her current thought, willing it to not pass her lips, meet his ears, but it did anyhow.
"I really don't understand why you're here, Julian." Her face was a grimace against the fabric of his coat, mind and emotions bracing.
"Here, where?" He asked, pulling back, arms loosening. He blinked slowly, brows furrowing in a painful wince when she curled closer to him, her grip turning fierce for a moment. Gently, he found a purchase of skin beneath her jaw, caressing it in comfort.
His fingers fell for a moment when she turned her head away from him, digits finding their way back. "You shouldn't be here," she insisted. "You shouldn't be here at all."
"Where?" He repeated. She mashed her eyes shut and then opened them, trying to rid the blurring film over her eyes, trying to see the stars clearly. After a moment of silence, he moved to his side, the drastic change leaving her body colder and bereft, but forced his face into her vision. "What do you mean?"
A 'puh' sound left her lips with a sigh, looking up to the stars, trying to ignore more than the ping in her gut, her eyes trying to ignore him in the best way she knew how. But her voice continued to carry, speaking. "Just that you shouldn't be here. This can't be right. You still love her!" She exclaimed. "You should have fought for her, like I told you to."
The lines of his face hardened in that familiar determination, eyes glinting in the silver light of the moon and snow. "No," he said with an ingrained firmness. "This is right. I should be here. I want to be here. Amara... I want you. Not her." He swallowed, tilting her face to his. He could see the sky reflected in her eyes. "I love you."
"But how can I know that?" She blinked firmly and focused not on his eyes. "How can I know that -- that you're not just saying that? I mean... nevermind."
"No," he began, tone gentle. "What were you going to say?"
She sighed slightly and her eyes danced about, finally stilling to look back up at the sky, words coming out too quickly. "What I mean is, how do I know that? How do I know that you're not only here because I pushed you into a situation that you didn't ask to be in and you wanted to be honest -- we both wanted to be honest with them? So Bobby left me and Rogue walked away from you and we never finished and you had nothing to lose, so why not? Right?" She asked rhetorically, eyes filling with warm liquid. "How do I know that she isn't between us? How do I know that the only reason she maybe isn't between us is because she won't look at you? And how do I know that once she starts looking at you again, she won't be between us?" She blinked and a few tears streamed down the sides of her face, hitting a couple locks of her hair. "How do I know that I'm not the substitute? And how do I know that when you're looking at me you're not thinking of her?"
She bit down on her lower lip to cease its quivering, the edges of her teeth sharp. Something fragile inside of her burst when his hand feathered over her tears, and she could see his despaired eyes in front of the stars no matter how much she couldn't stand the sight.
"Amara..." She shivered and placed an arm around herself, even though it wasn't from the cold. For a panicked moment, she wanted to take everything she had said back, because she was terrified of his answer. "It's not... not like that," he said lamely, swallowing thickly. "I'd never... it's not about substitutes; I..." He paused, stroking away more tears. "I want you," he repeated, "just you... sweetheart... she's not between us. Nothing's between us."
"You still love her," she stated blankly and looked to him from the corner of her eye, another tear falling and hitting his index finger. "I'm not saying.... I would never ask you to forget about her. And I know that... my worrying doesn't help anything, I know. But I'm scared, Julian. You know that I'm not going to walk away from you; Bobby's not in the way. I don't know that about you and her," she snapped, emotions spiraling. "She could forgive you, and that's all you've ever wanted from her. And I don't know how to give my all, give myself to you completely, when there's... when there's someone else that you'd give up everything for. I don't know how to... I just don't know." His fingers brushed over her other cheek, thumb pressing against her trembling bottom lip, her breaths nowhere near being even. She brought her hands up to grip his jacket desperately. "I love you, but I -- I don't just want to be another one of your girls, giving my all for you and then you hurt me." She let the 'again' go unspoken.
An inhale rushed into his lungs. In the ethereal night, her skin pale and eyes glimmering with tears, she looked so incandescently beautiful it was aching, painful. He pressed his lips together, thumb sliding to tilt her chin, to keep her eyes locked his. "Amara," he started, a grounded look entering his gaze, contrasting against her desperate sadness, "if she were to come to me tomorrow -- tonight -- the next minute -- and tell me that she forgives me... it wouldn't change anything. I'd stay with you. Not because it's the right thing to do, or because I'd feel obligated. I'd stay because I love you. Amara, I want to be with you." He paused. "You have me. Completely. As long as you want me."
"It doesn't feel like it," she breathed, turning her focus to her left, more tears falling when he couldn't see her clearly. She dragged her eyes back to the stars, jaw tense and eyes blinking firmly occasionally. "I keep feeling like I'm just waiting to lose you again." She choked out a sob, the air in front of her mouth visible, her fingers coming up to wipe her own tears.
The line of his brow furrowed and he leaned down, a cool cheek brushing against hers, his smell clouding her senses. His nose slid along her jaw in an innocent kiss of skin. "I don't know what to say so you believe me," he said hopelessly. "I'll say anything. I'll do anything." He pulled back, eyes close to hers so that she couldn't ignore his gaze in the least, hands brushing her face. "I'm scared that you're never going to give yourself to me, and I don't know what to say so you know everything I'm telling you is true."
"I don't know either," she told him sadly. Her features were taken by a grimace, eyes blinking shut when he pressed his forehead to hers, his breath on hers. "I miss California."
"Why?" His voice was gentle, but confused.
"Because everything is such a mess here."
A sigh soon expelled from him, fingers running up and down her available arm. "You can't run from your problems."
Blue eyes blinked, opening, and her eyes gave way to his. "I know," she agreed. "Can you promise me something?"
His brows furrowed halfway in consideration. "What is it?"
"Promise me that -- that if you ever... don't want this and you want her, or someone else, that you'll tell me," she stated and one stray tear fell. "Please don't do to me what I did to Bobby, and don't do to yourself what I did to myself. I just... I don't know what I'm scared of more: losing you or us not being honest and that's why I lose you." She blinked and pulled back from him, features crumpled. "Just promise me."
His lips thinned and he nodded. "I promise." The two words seemed more like a sealed fate than a security, and her eyes fluttered close as a wave of choking trepidation stiffened and shook her limbs, a small whimpering cry escaping her throat when he kissed a dropped tear, tasting the warm wet salt. His whispered "but it's not going to happen" only brought more tears to her eyes, and he gathered her in his arms, stroking back her hair and letting her cry softly into his chest.
Fingers clawed at the fabric of his shirt hopelessly, desperate, and he felt her whole body shake when she gasped for a breath, it only to be expelled just as quickly in a cry, her lips repeating the same words, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," over and over and over again into him. His whispered calming words didn't seem to phase her, tears still soaking into his shirt. A regretful sigh left him and his fingers brushed away the tears that she allowed him to reach.
"Amara... Sweetheart, you can't keep..." He trailed off again and his fingers brought her face up to his, her lips trembling. "You can't keep doing this to yourself all over again. I'm not going anywhere. I promise you that." Her crying seemed to slow and cold digits wiped away the evidence. "I'm scared that you're going to continue to keep doing this to yourself."
Her blue eyes left his fleetingly before he dragged her focus back. "I'm sor-"
"Don't," he interrupted her, but not unkindly; his voice was gentle. "Do you want this?" He asked her finally, the answer honestly unknown.
She hesitated, not unsure, only simply collecting herself. Her lungs inhaled and exhaled, calming, and she nodded, teeth gripping her bottom lip anxiously. He exhaled and before he could say anything she wrapped her arms around him, once again desperate, gripping him like he was the last person on the planet with her. Tears returned to her eyes -- different tears.
"I love you," she told him, one set of fingers in his hair, the other gripping around him. "I love you so much."
"I love you," he choked out, the emphasis lingering on the most important word. They gazed at each other for a moment, nothing between them but the cold, eyes sweeping hungrily and yet delicately over each eyelash and curve and shadow, every light and deepened color of irises, every crease of lips. With a sudden gripping movement they kissed, the sadness ebbing away into desperation, need, aching desire seeking to claim the other.
The stars shone above them, their breaths visibly dispensing upward, as they lay on one of the grounds’ benches together in the cold and dark. Julian tried to find any sign of the constellation that he had been looking for, the only constellation he remembered, but was failing. Amara thought that the sky was too vast, too immense, and she blinked, another breath left her, feeling a little uneasy.
“Jules,” she tempered. “Can I ask you something?”
His eyes left the sky for a moment, while hers didn’t, to look to her, his arms around her pulling her a bit closer, her warmth melting into his. “Anything.”
“You don’t have to answer or talk about this if you don’t want to. I’ll understand that,” she said reassuringly, and he half-nodded, waiting for her to ask.
“I just… Well after the other day I was wondering if you – if you wanted to…” She trailed off, sighing impatiently, finally blurting it all out. “I just wanted to ask you if you wanted to talk about Rogue. I mean, you – you don’t have to, but you never… I know it hurts, but you have to talk about at least some of it, get something out. And I’m here, you know. I’m not trying to prod, but I – I’ve been worrying ever since the other day.”
His face was nearing a morbid blankness at her words, thinking, wondering eyes blinking once. "I know you're here," he told her. "What are you worrying about?"
"That's not important," she whispered. "Do you want to talk about it? I mean, you... you were right before. I only lost my friend, and I'm as upset as I am. But you -- you..." She forced her lips to not take on a frown, swallowing it back. "You can talk about it."
The freezing air burned his lungs, his eyes turning upwards. He thought fleetingly that perhaps the constellation he was searching for was obscured by the Northern horizon, yet the weak effort couldn't slow the darker thoughts that began to creep into his consciousness. Amara shifted as he watched the stars, his eyes trying to distinguish their slow minute movements across the sphere of the sky. Blue orbs glittered in his peripheral, and he knew she was watching him with the same intense scrutiny.
She exhaled heavily, shakily, the warm breath heating his neck. "Do you miss her?"
Julian closed his eyes. Her voice was so small and hesitant, and he could hardly stand the lilting sad notes that formed her words.
"You don't have to do this, Amara," he said quietly, letting his eyelids slide open.
"I know," she responded with an eager tone, words coming out in a rush. "I know I don't have to... that's why I am. And because I... I'm worried." His only answer was his blinking orbs, his troubled gaze still searching the stars with the utmost attention. Something swelled inside of her, some desperation that seemed to reach out for him. She didn't want that wall she felt time and time again; she wanted to extend herself and find him next to her, within her. She needed to. "Look at me."
He did, eyes narrowing to accommodate the small space between them, her silent talk to me resonating between them.
For a moment all she could feel was her heartbeat, the cold, the scratchy fabric of his jacket beneath her fingers.
"I miss her," he finally said. Amara nodded, fingers finding his hair and brushing through the locks soothingly. "I know how I used to feel about her... is different than how you feel about Bobby. When I say that I miss her, I don't want you thinking that it has anything to do with how I feel about you."
Her digits continued to work through his hair comfortingly, but her mind hesitated and blue eyes left his to look up at the sky again, noting the very sparce clouds that were trying to squabble with the Moon's glow. "It's okay to miss her," she muttered, eventually blinking to meet his distant gaze.
"She meant a lot to me," he said evenly, carefully, yet the soft words carried as much weight as ones filled with emotion.
"I know." She looked away again, but this time at his shoulder, unwilling to identify the aching pang beneath her ribs.
She shut her eyes tight when he pulled her closer, bodies pressing and tangling in an embrace. Even though her breath hitched and shallowed against the pressure, it didn't feel close enough. They stilled there, clutching, breathing, their minds both spinning in turmoil and memories and thoughts, heedless of their surroundings, of time, and only concerned with one another.
She willed herself to hear his thoughts as she pressed her forehead to his shoulder firmly; his mind was obviously turning, collecting. Her throat tried to choke back her current thought, willing it to not pass her lips, meet his ears, but it did anyhow.
"I really don't understand why you're here, Julian." Her face was a grimace against the fabric of his coat, mind and emotions bracing.
"Here, where?" He asked, pulling back, arms loosening. He blinked slowly, brows furrowing in a painful wince when she curled closer to him, her grip turning fierce for a moment. Gently, he found a purchase of skin beneath her jaw, caressing it in comfort.
His fingers fell for a moment when she turned her head away from him, digits finding their way back. "You shouldn't be here," she insisted. "You shouldn't be here at all."
"Where?" He repeated. She mashed her eyes shut and then opened them, trying to rid the blurring film over her eyes, trying to see the stars clearly. After a moment of silence, he moved to his side, the drastic change leaving her body colder and bereft, but forced his face into her vision. "What do you mean?"
A 'puh' sound left her lips with a sigh, looking up to the stars, trying to ignore more than the ping in her gut, her eyes trying to ignore him in the best way she knew how. But her voice continued to carry, speaking. "Just that you shouldn't be here. This can't be right. You still love her!" She exclaimed. "You should have fought for her, like I told you to."
The lines of his face hardened in that familiar determination, eyes glinting in the silver light of the moon and snow. "No," he said with an ingrained firmness. "This is right. I should be here. I want to be here. Amara... I want you. Not her." He swallowed, tilting her face to his. He could see the sky reflected in her eyes. "I love you."
"But how can I know that?" She blinked firmly and focused not on his eyes. "How can I know that -- that you're not just saying that? I mean... nevermind."
"No," he began, tone gentle. "What were you going to say?"
She sighed slightly and her eyes danced about, finally stilling to look back up at the sky, words coming out too quickly. "What I mean is, how do I know that? How do I know that you're not only here because I pushed you into a situation that you didn't ask to be in and you wanted to be honest -- we both wanted to be honest with them? So Bobby left me and Rogue walked away from you and we never finished and you had nothing to lose, so why not? Right?" She asked rhetorically, eyes filling with warm liquid. "How do I know that she isn't between us? How do I know that the only reason she maybe isn't between us is because she won't look at you? And how do I know that once she starts looking at you again, she won't be between us?" She blinked and a few tears streamed down the sides of her face, hitting a couple locks of her hair. "How do I know that I'm not the substitute? And how do I know that when you're looking at me you're not thinking of her?"
She bit down on her lower lip to cease its quivering, the edges of her teeth sharp. Something fragile inside of her burst when his hand feathered over her tears, and she could see his despaired eyes in front of the stars no matter how much she couldn't stand the sight.
"Amara..." She shivered and placed an arm around herself, even though it wasn't from the cold. For a panicked moment, she wanted to take everything she had said back, because she was terrified of his answer. "It's not... not like that," he said lamely, swallowing thickly. "I'd never... it's not about substitutes; I..." He paused, stroking away more tears. "I want you," he repeated, "just you... sweetheart... she's not between us. Nothing's between us."
"You still love her," she stated blankly and looked to him from the corner of her eye, another tear falling and hitting his index finger. "I'm not saying.... I would never ask you to forget about her. And I know that... my worrying doesn't help anything, I know. But I'm scared, Julian. You know that I'm not going to walk away from you; Bobby's not in the way. I don't know that about you and her," she snapped, emotions spiraling. "She could forgive you, and that's all you've ever wanted from her. And I don't know how to give my all, give myself to you completely, when there's... when there's someone else that you'd give up everything for. I don't know how to... I just don't know." His fingers brushed over her other cheek, thumb pressing against her trembling bottom lip, her breaths nowhere near being even. She brought her hands up to grip his jacket desperately. "I love you, but I -- I don't just want to be another one of your girls, giving my all for you and then you hurt me." She let the 'again' go unspoken.
An inhale rushed into his lungs. In the ethereal night, her skin pale and eyes glimmering with tears, she looked so incandescently beautiful it was aching, painful. He pressed his lips together, thumb sliding to tilt her chin, to keep her eyes locked his. "Amara," he started, a grounded look entering his gaze, contrasting against her desperate sadness, "if she were to come to me tomorrow -- tonight -- the next minute -- and tell me that she forgives me... it wouldn't change anything. I'd stay with you. Not because it's the right thing to do, or because I'd feel obligated. I'd stay because I love you. Amara, I want to be with you." He paused. "You have me. Completely. As long as you want me."
"It doesn't feel like it," she breathed, turning her focus to her left, more tears falling when he couldn't see her clearly. She dragged her eyes back to the stars, jaw tense and eyes blinking firmly occasionally. "I keep feeling like I'm just waiting to lose you again." She choked out a sob, the air in front of her mouth visible, her fingers coming up to wipe her own tears.
The line of his brow furrowed and he leaned down, a cool cheek brushing against hers, his smell clouding her senses. His nose slid along her jaw in an innocent kiss of skin. "I don't know what to say so you believe me," he said hopelessly. "I'll say anything. I'll do anything." He pulled back, eyes close to hers so that she couldn't ignore his gaze in the least, hands brushing her face. "I'm scared that you're never going to give yourself to me, and I don't know what to say so you know everything I'm telling you is true."
"I don't know either," she told him sadly. Her features were taken by a grimace, eyes blinking shut when he pressed his forehead to hers, his breath on hers. "I miss California."
"Why?" His voice was gentle, but confused.
"Because everything is such a mess here."
A sigh soon expelled from him, fingers running up and down her available arm. "You can't run from your problems."
Blue eyes blinked, opening, and her eyes gave way to his. "I know," she agreed. "Can you promise me something?"
His brows furrowed halfway in consideration. "What is it?"
"Promise me that -- that if you ever... don't want this and you want her, or someone else, that you'll tell me," she stated and one stray tear fell. "Please don't do to me what I did to Bobby, and don't do to yourself what I did to myself. I just... I don't know what I'm scared of more: losing you or us not being honest and that's why I lose you." She blinked and pulled back from him, features crumpled. "Just promise me."
His lips thinned and he nodded. "I promise." The two words seemed more like a sealed fate than a security, and her eyes fluttered close as a wave of choking trepidation stiffened and shook her limbs, a small whimpering cry escaping her throat when he kissed a dropped tear, tasting the warm wet salt. His whispered "but it's not going to happen" only brought more tears to her eyes, and he gathered her in his arms, stroking back her hair and letting her cry softly into his chest.
Fingers clawed at the fabric of his shirt hopelessly, desperate, and he felt her whole body shake when she gasped for a breath, it only to be expelled just as quickly in a cry, her lips repeating the same words, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," over and over and over again into him. His whispered calming words didn't seem to phase her, tears still soaking into his shirt. A regretful sigh left him and his fingers brushed away the tears that she allowed him to reach.
"Amara... Sweetheart, you can't keep..." He trailed off again and his fingers brought her face up to his, her lips trembling. "You can't keep doing this to yourself all over again. I'm not going anywhere. I promise you that." Her crying seemed to slow and cold digits wiped away the evidence. "I'm scared that you're going to continue to keep doing this to yourself."
Her blue eyes left his fleetingly before he dragged her focus back. "I'm sor-"
"Don't," he interrupted her, but not unkindly; his voice was gentle. "Do you want this?" He asked her finally, the answer honestly unknown.
She hesitated, not unsure, only simply collecting herself. Her lungs inhaled and exhaled, calming, and she nodded, teeth gripping her bottom lip anxiously. He exhaled and before he could say anything she wrapped her arms around him, once again desperate, gripping him like he was the last person on the planet with her. Tears returned to her eyes -- different tears.
"I love you," she told him, one set of fingers in his hair, the other gripping around him. "I love you so much."
"I love you," he choked out, the emphasis lingering on the most important word. They gazed at each other for a moment, nothing between them but the cold, eyes sweeping hungrily and yet delicately over each eyelash and curve and shadow, every light and deepened color of irises, every crease of lips. With a sudden gripping movement they kissed, the sadness ebbing away into desperation, need, aching desire seeking to claim the other.
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I was planning to post it tonight anyway, haha.
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You two write the most beautiful scenes. Seriously. <3